Punishment
Were you brought up in an environment where you were constantly afraid of doing something fun – because you were going to be ‘punished?’
When parents have been brought up with this style of parenting, it can be very hard to know what to do as an alternative when your kids aren’t living by your values.
In this blog, I am going to take you through why punishments don’t work and then will let you know an alternative way to discipline your kids.
Punishment is the infliction of some kind of pain or loss upon a person for a misdeed – in parenting this could look like taking away a toy or TV privileges, smacking or putting them in time out.
Let’s look at this from the point of view of sibling relationships.
1. Punishment focuses kids’ attention on ways to ‘avoid more punishment.’
They might become sneaky and demonstrate certain behaviour when they know their parent isn’t looking.
Punishment takes the focus away from intrinsic values such as being kind to others. They may stop doing things ‘for the right reasons’ – and instead focus on ways to avoid punishment.
2. Kids learn to use punishment against their sibling – telling on them when they don’t get their way.
3. When siblings are punished for fighting with each other, they become more resentful of each other. For example, “She got me in trouble, I’m gonna get her back.”
Can you think of a time when you were growing up when any of these scenarios were true? How did it make you feel?
Now I don’t want to scare you with all of this. Now I’ll be taking you through ways to discipline through connection rather than punishment, so keep reading.
Connection
So, what to do if punishment is off the cards? Here are my top five tips for using connection to discipline.
1. Prioritise emotional connection.
Focus on building a strong emotional connection with your child. Even during difficult moments, let your child know that you are on their side, regardless of their actions – and that your goal is to help not punish. This helps them feel understood and valued.
2. Understand the underlying needs.
Often a child’s behaviour is an indication that their needs aren’t being met (whether emotional, physical or developmental). Can you look deeper than the behaviour to figure out what might be the ‘need’ behind the behaviour?
3. Use empathy.
Validating your child’s feelings is so important. Acknowledging their feelings shows them that you understand what they are feeling. This helps them feel seen and understood – which can reduce the intensity of their emotional reaction.
4. Guide, don’t punish.
Focus your actions on the idea that discipline should be about teaching and guiding, rather than punishment. Talk and show them ways they can change their behaviour (rather than sending them to time out for example). Set clear and consistent boundaries to help your child understand the consequences of their behaviour.
5. Model the behaviour you want to see.
Children are much more likely to copy what we ‘do’ rather than what we ‘say’. So instead of saying ‘don’t swear’, it’s much for effective to simply not swear yourself. If you want your child to react calmly to difficult situation, try to role model this behaviour to them.
Which of these tips do you think would be the easiest to follow? The hardest?
If you have any questions about these steps, please don’t hesitate to ask at nina@mindfulparentinglifestyle.com.au
If you would like to know more connections skills and strategies, check out 1:1 Mindful Parenting Coaching.
About me
Hi, I'm Nina, mum to three loud little boys. I'm also a certified Mindful Parenting Coach and Head and Heart Mindfulness Instructor.
I can totally appreciate how tough parenting is - two years ago, I was a struggling mama who was feeling run down, exhausted and fed up with this 'mum life'.
I began my mindfulness journey when my youngest was born, almost 3 years ago. I went from being stressed out, overwhelmed and quick to anger, to being cool, calm and connected to my kids.
I love being able to share mindfulness with my boys, teaching them the skills to be able to regulate their emotions (like I have done) has to be one of the most satisfying lessons to pass on to them.
I personally read all my emails (I don’t get someone else to read them for me) so I'd love to hear from you if this blog resonated with you? Are you excited to try adding some mindfulness into your day?
Shoot me an email at Nina@mindfulparentinglifestyle.com.au and let me know how you're going.
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